Friday, August 24, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Interesting letter...
MP Secretary of State
Department for Environment
Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA)
LONDON
16 June 2007
Dear Secretary of State
My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.
If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department.
Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?
Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.
I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.
Yours faithfully
N Johnson
Department for Environment
Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA)
LONDON
16 June 2007
Dear Secretary of State
My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.
If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department.
Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?
Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.
I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.
Yours faithfully
N Johnson
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.""After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Mobile vs Bible
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our mobile phones?What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to received messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn’t live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What is we used it as we travelled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
What if we upgraded it to get the latest version?
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Lipstick in School - Priceless!!
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers....and then there are educators.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Happy Easter
In Earthly Kingdoms, some people are called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice to protect the King;In the Heavenly Kingdom, the King made the ultimate sacrifice to protect all the people.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Blind Man Gets Healed!!
I'm going to hear Heidi Baker on Saturday, as she's in the UK at the moment. Heidi and Rolland are missionaries in Mozambique - and have an amazing story! Just thought I'd share this one with you all!
Monday, March 05, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Saddleback Sayings
"I want my staff members taking risks and making mistakes. That means they're being innovative and it means they're not afraid to try. Now, I don't want them making the same mistake every week - that means they're not learning, and that is bad. But I tell them, 'Make a new mistake every week.' I tell them, 'Show the innovation and creativity to do something really stupid that you've never done before.'" - Rick Warren
Friday, February 23, 2007
Ski Trip to Fiesch, Switzerland
Before.....
and after.....
Yes, I know it's good to be on your knees - but skis are difficult to balance like that! The lengths I go to for good shots for the blog (and for blog readers to have a laugh at my expense) - I should be commended really!! I'll reward myself with yet more Swiss chocolate......yum!
and after.....
Yes, I know it's good to be on your knees - but skis are difficult to balance like that! The lengths I go to for good shots for the blog (and for blog readers to have a laugh at my expense) - I should be commended really!! I'll reward myself with yet more Swiss chocolate......yum!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Thursday, January 11, 2007
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
A very Happy New Year
to friends and family
all over the world!
My year has started with a new job - and I'm now full-time on the Ministry Team at Church (which is great!).
Other news: I've also had a major hair cut (approx 8" off!!)
I read an article the other day, where someone said that 'this year, they were going to believe God for more than before....' I think that's a great thought!
Pen x
